Essay Revision for English 101

You do not need to write an essay, only REVISE the one i uploaded, AS WELL as on a separate page do the Revsion Checklist once your done with the essay. I have uploaded the essay that needs to be revised by following the professors instructions. I have also provided my professors comments on my essay so you can take note of what ti work on.

Professors Instructions: Portfolio Project: Essay Revision

A major revision essay consists of the following:

  • Develop or rewrite the thesis.
    • This means not only rewriting the thesis in the introduction and conclusion, but also developing analysis throughout the essay that focuses and drives the thesis.
  • Reorganize the essay.
    • This means not only moving paragraphs around, but rewriting parts of the essay in order to give paragraphs more focus or create stronger connections between paragraphs as you build from one idea to the next.
  • Deepen and develop analysis.
    • This means not only rewriting a few sentences of analysis but rethinking your current ideas and working to dig deeper in those ideas.
  • Engage with evidence on a deeper level.
    • This means not only adding in a few more quotations, but incorporating a variety of well-chosen evidence and exploring how this evidence supports your thesis through analysis.

A major revision MUST GO BEYOND:

  • Simple proofreading to correct grammar mistakes
  • Rewriting a few sentences here and there for stylistic reasons
  • Changing the wording of the thesis statement in the introduction
  • Moving body paragraphs into a different order.

Revision Checklist:

Check to see if you made one or more of the following changes that constitute a major revision of your essay.

  • Develop or rewrite the thesis.

How did you revise your thesis?


  • Reorganize the essay.

How did you revise your organization?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Deepen and develop analysis.

How did you revise your analysis?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Engage with evidence on a deeper level.

How did you revise your evidence?


Professors comments on my essay: what specific statement is your thesis making? How does your playlist depict different cultures? What is the lifestyle you hint at with Californication? Is the song drawing attention to magnified sexuality? The second paragraph does a little more of this interesting digging. The third BP, though, is more difficult to follow. It’s point is not very clear. Check Works cited format. I do wonder if this essay might have worked better if you had mixed up these songs in your BP’s and organized instead by theme.