I will reattach my copy that I put the critical reaction on. These are his comments.
You’ve done a good job of taking inspiration from Kafka while producing your own creative narrative. The image of the dead mother following this young man is very compelling. To push this to the next level, let’s consider a few things:
1. Setting: Let’s try to use some sensory language to help the audience see/hear/feel and experience the fictional world you are creating. Try using sights, sounds, smells, and other physical feelings to help the audience enter this world with your character. You have a good start on this, but a few more brush strokes will really help this world come to life.
2. Characteriztion: let’s try to give the characters (especially the parents) some unique details that help them come to life on the page. What did they look and sound like? Dialogue can help alot with characterization.
3. Structure: the story has a very long flash back in the middle. This is important information, but perhaps you could try to break it up into smaller chunks, interspersing the flashbacks into the narrative to provide more balance to the past/present.